“The point of parenting isn’t to have all the answers before we start out but instead to figure it out on the go as our children grow, because as they do, so will we.”—Bridgett Miller
I wish someone had told me this 24 years ago when I had my first child! I was young, I certainly didn’t have anything about my own life figured out, much less know anything about raising another human; yet, I had a belief that I was supposed to know how to be if not a perfect parent, at least a great parent. I was going to do it differently from—do it better than—my parents. But children don’t come with rulebooks or how-to guides, so I had to figure it out as I went along.
I made A LOT of mistakes along the way and I spent much (okay, most!) of my parenthood trapped in feelings of guilt, failure, anxiety and fear, self-doubt, and overwhelm. Now my oldest child is 24 and my youngest child is 8. I am more self-confident, I trust myself and my kids more, I accept my mistakes (and my kids’ mistakes), I’ve learned to let go of control while simultaneously having more agency. Do I have it all figured out? Not at all. So what changed? I changed.
About a decade ago, I started practicing mindfulness and meditation and immersing myself in practices and experiences that cultivated healing and self-compassion. This radically changed my relationship to myself, which then transformed how I related to my kids. I stopped vacillating between extremes. In the early years of parenting, I was overly harsh/critical/controlling of my kids, always trying to meet their needs perfectly and then demanding perfection from them. When I couldn’t sustain that, I’d swing to an extreme of being overly permissive, fawning, or even neglectful of providing guidance, instruction or boundaries. It took me years to find the balance. But I did, and now I want to help you do the same!
“Great parenting lies somewhere between ‘Don’t do that’ and ‘Ah, what the hell'.’ ”—Unknown
Strong back, soft front…
This is my approach to coaching. As a parenting coach, it’s not my job to tell you what to do as a parent. It’s not my job to tell you what’s right or wrong, good or bad, or to indoctrinate you with “should” “must” or “have to.” My guess is you already have an inner critic that is doing that for you. My role is teach you to parent with a strong back and a soft front. What does this mean exactly?
When we show up in any aspect of our lives with a strong back and soft front, we are fearlessly rooted and solid in our values and our needs (strong back) while simultaneously opening ourselves with kindness and compassion to the vulnerability of whatever arises within us or within others, including all the uncomfortable feelings we feel in relation to our kids and our kids feel in relation to us (soft front).
Imagine that you are struggling with how many cookies you should allow your child to have at snack time. Only one cookie? Two? As many as she wants? As a parenting coach, it’s not my job to tell you how many cookies to give her. But through guided inquiry, I can help you identify the answer that makes the most sense for you based on your values. And then I can help you align with these values in a way that makes the most sense for you, regardless of how your child reacts, regardless of what others tell you is right or wrong, regardless of that critical voice in your head. I will help you maintain a strong back.
Now, imagine that as you are holding firm to the No when your child asks for one more cookie, they have a strong emotional reaction that leads you to want to other yell at them/shut them down/punish them so they stop emoting, or their reaction makes you want to give in to the cookie demand so you don’t have to fight or debate or exhaust yourself. Either of those responses will backfire and lead to more difficulties beyond the cookie debate.
As a parenting coach, I can teach you practical techniques to open with understanding, kindness, and even compassion to your child’s disappointment, anger, frustration or any other feelings they have in response to your No. And I can teach you to remain open to your own feelings of frustration, fear, doubt, and whatever else arises in response to your child’s experience. Imagine that you are not afraid of your child’s feelings or tantrums or anger, nor are you afraid of you own feelings. Essentially, parenting with a strong back and soft front would mean saying No to the cookie, but yes to whatever arises next.
Sound impossible? It’s not! I learned how to do it. But is it hard? Yes! Learning to parent in this way is hard because it’s not how most of us were parented. But in the decade that I’ve been a psychotherapist, not to mention a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, I have seen over and over and over again how deep change is truly possible and that most of us can do really hard things without hardness collapsing us. And because you won’t be doing this alone, it won’t feel nearly as hard. I will be there with you along the way!
Does coaching sound right for you?
Then contact me now! If you aren’t sure whether you need coaching or therapy, reach out and we can explore the best option.
The primary difference between therapy and coaching is that therapy entails exploring the underlying and often unconscious needs, wants, motivations, drives, feelings and experiences that then often create mental health symptoms and disorders, such as depression, generalized anxiety, PTSD, social anxiety disorder, etc. In the context of parenting, if you had a difficult relationship with your own parents, that may influence your own experience as a parent and you may be experiencing clinical levesl of anxiety or depression that are negatively impacting your parenting. Therapy can uncover this link and then work to heal past wounds, traumas, and treat particular symptoms to improve functioning.
As a coach, I am not focused on symptoms and their causes. I focus more on specific problem areas and then create a concrete plan with you to resolve those problems using specific techniques and skills. I’m less focused on the why of the problem and more on the what of the problem in order to generate solutions. The approach is more directive and less exploratory than traditional psychotherapy. My approach to coaching incorporates a great deal of mindfulness and self-compassion work and all of my clients learn to meditate and practice informal mindfulness exercises to help them become more self-aware, self-accepting and self-kind.
Coaching includes one-on-one sessions, as well as tasks to be completed independently while receiving remote support through text or email, as well as written plans and resources to support your journey.
Ready to sign up or learn more about how I can help you? Click HERE to contact me now!
Coaching Fees and Logistics
FEES
Single 60 minute face-to-face coaching session with written follow-up plan and resource guide: $225
Single 90-minute face-to-face coaching session with written follow-up plan and resource guide : $275
Coaching Package includes five 60-minute face-to-face coaching sessions with additional text or email support in between sessions and written follow-up plan and resource guide: $1,600 if paid in single installment or $1,700 paid in five installments of $340/each. Please note that if you purchase the package, you will be charged monthly for all sessions, regardless of whether you use all of them.
LOGISTICS
Coaching sessions are face-to-face in my office in Arnold, Maryland or online via Zoom.
I am available for coaching during daytime hours, some early mornings or evenings, and some weekends. Contact me to learn more about availability!